*sigh*

"you know I'm gonna marry you right"
"....I hope so."
"I will, even though we are living in the same room and I'm gonna hear you fuck people right next to me."
"I could never fuck someone with you in the room, that's just fucked up, I could never be that cruel to someone like you"

you know what sux, when you just ramble about your ex.
you know what sux even more is the fact that im just listening to it.


:(

I just kinda wish I didnt feel anything. anymore.

you could save me

but instead im drowning







Im fucking lost.

ghoul

fuck hair brushes, make up, & masters

love me for me please.

I love my body and I love my heart.
I have so much to give but you dont deserve even a little part.

I hate that you are haunting me
in my dreams
&
in my memory.
confessing things that hurt me.


I fall apart,
piece by piece
yet it's a dream I will fade then I shall wake
alone, and empty.
I will fade through reality.

Your memory is gone
I barley remember you, & your scent & your kiss & your touch & your hands & your lips, oh how I will miss.
Did I make you up?
Do you even exist?

I am lost, with no meaning with no motive
no reason to live.

you were my world

and now Im sitting here.

"empty without him."

I am in a trance.

repeat please

need you
dream you
find you
taste you
use you
scar you
fuck you
break you

need you
dream you
find you
taste you
use you
scar you
fuck you
break you

need you
dream you
find you
taste you
use you
scar you
fuck you
break you

stupid rant:

my heart falls, then collapses.
im empty, moments where feelings should happen im numb.
lost, gone.


i like him,
but he's nothing
you were nothing
everything's nothing

ive lost meaning
i dont know how im breathing
save me
but you wont.

our world as one was amazing
but it's gone
I regret, but I've moved on



everything is nothing.

i dont know if i miss you but i still miss something

you are still there for me, every fucking time.

I forget what has happened, what's done is done,

but I secretly wish to wake up and all this could be a horrible nightmare and I role over into your arms, like I used to everygoddamnday

I broke down and laid in your arms.




It was nice but I still miss what I had.

I'm questioning everything again.

I wrote this on my other blog.

The closest thing I can compare it to is the feeling of death.

The aftermath of numbness.

Where you mentally hit the floor with a burt of pain,

a pain from absolutely no where.

Not just sadness but hurt and loneliness.

And as soon as this all hits you,

the second you seem to get a breath,

a tingle grows from your toes to you fingertips,

to the top of your neck, reminding you, you are alive.

you are here alive wasting you time.





NOWWHAT
?

dear instincts:

I hate you sometimes.
You make my mind wonder in the correct directions.
Especially in these last few situations.
They have all been on the fucking dot.

Instincts you were completely right.
These last few times.






I'm somehow lonely
and definitely lost.

So I hope when I feel like you're lying,
you're simply not.

cause I know
you
are.

I hate this, heavy, harsh,
feeling of reality.

me and reality
have never gotten along.

yes I do love the blond.


oh but how I miss the red.

why are you stuck in my head?
no one has made me smile from pure thoughts,
in years.





you're different.

but maybe you're just not.

My whole life came to a halting stop yesterday.
The lease of the loft that I am in love with is up, 30days.
Though I am already moved out but all my possessions are there,
it still makes me sad.

Then I got fired from my job.
Which indeed was a unwelcoming almost surprise.


anyways
yesterday was a weird day.
Now to continue onto why I am awake and typing in my blog.

The reacquiring house.
That haunts my dreams.
(in a good way)

I was there, yet I didn't seem to realize it.
and I went to the one room that I have always wondered too by myself.
Yet never had a chance to enter.

It sits at the tipy top of this house.
Yet no one would ever go with me.
And when they did,
by the time we got to the top,
everyone would have disappeared,
it was a we,
then it's always just me.
Always in the staircase.



There are three rooms total.
Which can only be found through one secret staircase.
After you climb up the old staircase and open the tiny door
it is one big empty room, with one big wooden door
then a little room, with a big tall door.
Then the attic.

Which has 2 small doors and a ladder in the corner.
The ladder is going down into a hole.
Maybe there was a window.

But this is the thing, once I get to the third room.
It is usually dark and almost scary.
Ive never gone in it.
It's the place my eyes have never gotten explore.


But tonight 3 people went with me.
We were already close to the top.
We were basically to the first door.

We got to the 3rd room and the light was on.
I could see the whole layout of the room.
Everything in it.
(which there was a creepy doll in a rocking chair, wtf)
Yet no one would let me enter.
They were scared, saying someone was the there.
I laughed say it hasnt changed at all since the last time I was here.

Then I realized we were in that room.
I took a step.
Then I woke up.

Everything fell apart in my real life,
& something pieces together in my
recurring house dream


odd.

family

this is my grandfather pa.



And my Grandmother Nana



these pictures made my heart smile.

i straight freaked out.
over nothing.


wow.

emotions.

I just dont know anymore.



How can I feel so much excitement, so much joy. Wondering if this is happiness or could somehow lead to happiness,

& with one L O N G heavy heartbeat, out of no where, for no reason I fill up with pure sadness.


like a rush Im here.





this is unfair.
I hate to say it, but I wanna be numb again.


why cant I just make up my mind.

FAMILY

Would you have guessed we were at a funeral?
I bet not.


We all fake smile so so very well.
I learned from the best.

Trust no one.
E
V
E
R

Freud.. again

"Flowers are restful to look at. They have neither emotions nor conflicts."





I wish to be a flower.
oh please oh please oh please

please lock me in and emepty room full of paint,brushes,&,paper. leave me for a week please.

hmmm.

my minds running.
it needs to be empty.
Im not sure how/what I (or should)be feeling.




I always forget what comes with a group of friends.
this is intense.


Plus I'm a little rusty.
I didn't ask for any of this.
I didn't want any of this.

I hid in my home for over 4 years avoiding this, avoiding PEOPLE. Avoiding trust.

then everyGODDAMNFUCKINGtime, I am reminded. again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.

I leave my nice little house and my nice little world and end up in a spiral of crazy situations.
Every time I leave my head I end up being reminded why I am in my head.

Dammit I hate society, I have grown such a dark dreadful hatred toward them. I pity people, I hate 98% of fucking people. People are predictable, people are a wreck.

Now don't get me wrong, It is VERY entertaining, and the other 2% amaze me. They take my breath away, there really are those few amazing, brilliant people. Whom I am so thankful for.

I just need to trust my goddamn instincts.
Not these fucking girl ones. My real ones.

Ive repeated all of this haven't I?
even on my own fucking blog

I have written ALL of this before.

ahhh

pride partied in lb this weekend

drunk me is pretty tricky.
She places things in the most oddest spots.
she yells,
rages,
dances
and climbs things.

She hides shit and jumps over fences when the party gets lame.

I dgaf when Jack or Jim hang out.

these stories are getting funny

amazing.

meet Opossum
the newest love of my life.









I can not help it.
I'm an animal love.

everything falls into place.
everysinglefuckingtime



I know this.



and I have been smiling for the past few days.

:)

I already feel better.

workfriends are the honestfriens

"Sammi, did you realize that 80% of your friends have mullets?"

"ahahahahahahhahah"

I played my guitar and sung at open mic night tonight.

I did absolutely terrible
on every single song I performed
except the one I wrote about you.
i sang it perfectly.

I hate you.

But I mostly hate that you inspire me.





it has been so long since I have been inspired

dgaf

Im starting to careless about everyone, everything, and quite frankly every situation around me. leave me alone. I do not care.

again I get what I want and it's nothing how I imagined
and now I find myself with no desire for this again.


on the upside.

fuck makeup
fuck hairbrushes
fuck deodorant
and fuck people.
all I want to do is make art.
i don't have time for friends.

I feel like me again.
lets see how long it'll last.

(ps me and mary jane are fighting, I might have to kick this addiction)

I am just as dark
&
just as cold
as the night.

this is no exaggeration.

sleep

I explained my sleeping habits to a friend.

me:"well every night my mind wonders off and like a book I make up my own little world, until I am lost and my mind drifts off"

"and how long before you dose off?"

me:"I don't know, it depends, 2 to 5 hours every night. But Im really not sure, right before I fall asleep I enter this state where nothing makes sense but it fits perfectly together. Sometimes Im there for hours, but I never know, that is when I know Ill be sleeping soon."

"For how long"

me:"Since I can remember."

"that is insomnia my dear.."

me:"oh"

"they have meds for that."

me:"But that is my favorite part of the night, when my mind wonders till it finds my dream. Why would anyone drown that?"

hmm.

my tangles have been tangling into dreads.
painful,
annoying and only 1 or two in the randomest spots.





Dreads?

n o , n o I t h i n k n o t

For a moment,
I forgot
how raving mad
I am.

I'm capable of so much.
Yet I hate being the leader,
I dread being in charge.
I like being quiet and somewhat open minded.
but FUCKthatSHIT

iam whoI am.
and i will lead this somewhere.

welcome back

I dont care how greedy you are

Business:

Dont ever double cross a beautiful women.
Oh my & don't even think to double cross 2 beautiful women.

Because,
beautiful girls have no mercy.

and there will be absolutely no fucking mercy.

these are both good ones.

especially there mouse hover quotes.

who are you
Gatineau,
Quebec,
Canada

??
You currently hold my curiosity.

Im in the strangest place today.

I almost feel like Im drifting away.
The wind is taking me.
Begging to keep me.

I might give in. today.

I need to ride my bike more &

I think
I think
I think

I think I might quit smoking weed.

hmm.

Most days I don't feel like making new friends.
But lately I have had an itch.
It could be the weather.

It must be the weather.
I'm dying and cutting my fucking hair.


fuckkkkkk

Today was odd.
Today was great.

I got one of my gorgeous plugs in tonight.
& I adore every single one of my coworkers, who are right there knocking sense into me.

time

"True love is timeless."



lies. lies. lies.
& a few more lies.



Maybe I don't know what love is,
maybe love is something I've simply imagined.
something I cant describe.
Yet like all American, when I'm told to want something
I want it.
I'm told to desire it.
So I desire it.

Maybe it is something I've just made up,
a word I've forced myself to feel.
Or maybe it is just a word,
that I have been trying to force meaning to.


The best feelings are the ones words cant define.

thanks old man in front of my coffee shop

"cigarettes
&
wine
&
heavy metal
every night
you could die
by 35"

I went to the Down Town Showdown in Long Beach this Saturday.

In the alleycat race.
I swore to myself I should have trained for it,
& I should have. I was right behind the first girl when I got to the stage.
2nd by a few seconds.

and in GoldSprints,

fucking 3rd by a mila. second.
(I think my "mila" is not spelled correctly.)


bahhhh



It was a pretty good day though

:)

bllurr

Sometimes I wonder if this is all really happening.
If the words you say or the gestures you make
are actually reality and not all the thoughts wondering though my head.

But just like in my dreams I sit there awkwardly.
Wondering, "Is this happening?"
Waiting for a something.

Now here I am, wide awake.
Defiantly not dreaming.


& I don't know what to do.
And I don't know the difference between what I imagined and what is happening..
I don't know if it just happened in a dream.

Everything is blurring.

I'm slowly becoming happy.

Everything somehow makes no sense anymore again.

please

PINCH

ME.

all my dreams and reality's are colliding.

it's funny what one simple idea can lead you too.

"Learn from your fucking mistakes, God damn it."

I'm not so Innocent anymore.

To be honest, I do not trust a single soul.
I can't even recall what trust feels like anymore.


I have learned to trust no one.
So no one I will trust.


Until it feels like my efforts wont all be at lost.

Lately, well always, BUT especially lately,
my thoughts have been showing me how spot on me instincts are.

My first thought,
My very first sentence to myself about something,
the thought that I really don't think much of or think about,
is right.
every time, this past couple days.

about the most random oddest things.


Does this mean Im right about the things that make me doubt myself?


Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I adore my pizza lion fox.

cutest fluffy creature ever

I tumbled down my stairs.




and broke my poor big toe.

D:
ouch.

Today is an awfully good day.

I heard a good few sentences
from a few good people,
that made me realize that not everyone is as blind as I thought.

Thank goodness. I was getting a little bitter about people again.




I'm ganna just start being nice and upbeat again.
While I'm here in long beach, I might as well work on making actual real friends.

hmm. I wonder.
Can this getting any worse?
I hope not.

Because I am in an honest kind-of-a-mood
and I honestly do not feeling like keeping my mouth shut for one more goddamn night.

This could get ugly.
this could get fulfilling

Im starting to see clearly.
I know exactly what I want.

& all it is, is you.
(surprise surprise.)

Now, how shall I fool you and keep you?

:)

the littlest things excite me.


look at my new rose for my hair!!

>.< art walks are fun.

I also got sweet nosferatu pins on top of a few other things that tickle my heart.

why why why?

are you here?
go away.
away.
away with me.

So my dreams, can stop being this intense,
this real.
I cant handle this.


I'm going to do something I regret.

& I don't even believe in regrets.

I am

changing again.

I AM FINISHED with this trance.

chills

"Meeting you was fate, becoming you friend was a choice,

but falling in love with you I had no control over that"

I am alone.
Sitting in the feathers of my memories, wondering, "where the fuck, did I go wrong this time?"
I haven't moved much emotionally. I haven't moved much physically. I'm not numb anymore, and for the record, I'm currently sad. Not miserable, not depressed, just sad.

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

Honestly I just miss having that someone else in my life who can pick me apart. Who I can pick apart. Someone who I cant get enough of, who cant get enough of me. I miss the rush when your eyes simply just make contact, the way one touch makes your heart pound. I have so many feelings, so much passion. I can be such a loving and kind person, but I just want to feel that feeling back. Yet here I am, alone again with this stench of wrongness in the air.

I have been here, I have been here before. This exact feeling. How am I here again, how is this possible? I did everything to avoid this feeling, but like a shadow it is here again. I need to stop trying so hard, everything seems to work out, when I'm not trying.

I do not know where to go.
I am only surrounded by darkness.

seriously.


my shell has cracked.
nothing I say is meant to be taken seriously, ever.



so far these past few days have been absolutely fantastic compared to the last 7 months.

i miss making out

Fuck relationships.
Cant we just make-out?

When you repeat a signal word
over and over again,
it starts to lose all its meaning.
It stops making sense.
It sounds made up.
Unreal,
almost.

the worst part

I don't know how to say no to people.
I seem to get anxiety around any large group of people.
and to top it off
if I ever have a sudden change in my emotions
(nervous, scared, embarrassed, angry, etc..)
a rash grows from my chest to my neck,
and it sits there for who knows how long growing redder and redder.

Oh goodness but the worst is when
I play my guitar in front of people I actually care about.
My throat scratches up, my heart pounds,
my hands shake three time more then they usually do.
I cant seem to play. I somehow cant manage to get out of that place.
I am bright red by that point, including my face,
I'll still try, but you can hear my hands shake with ever strum of each chord.

It is absolutely dreadful.
Yet wade and alcohol seem to do the trick.
or at least it makes me careless to it all.

I am a hopeless romantic.








and let me tell you, it has done me absolutely no good.

I can fall in love with just an idea.
Like a seed, it sprouts in my head.
All my life, ever since I can remember.
This is my downfall.
This is my defeat.

I am too passionate for my own good.
I crave touch, I crave human contact.
I crave human feelings.
I crave intimacy, romance.
I desire passion, meaning.
But I am so selfish and I want it all at once.

sigh.
This will make sense some other day.