chills

"Meeting you was fate, becoming you friend was a choice,

but falling in love with you I had no control over that"

I am alone.
Sitting in the feathers of my memories, wondering, "where the fuck, did I go wrong this time?"
I haven't moved much emotionally. I haven't moved much physically. I'm not numb anymore, and for the record, I'm currently sad. Not miserable, not depressed, just sad.

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

Honestly I just miss having that someone else in my life who can pick me apart. Who I can pick apart. Someone who I cant get enough of, who cant get enough of me. I miss the rush when your eyes simply just make contact, the way one touch makes your heart pound. I have so many feelings, so much passion. I can be such a loving and kind person, but I just want to feel that feeling back. Yet here I am, alone again with this stench of wrongness in the air.

I have been here, I have been here before. This exact feeling. How am I here again, how is this possible? I did everything to avoid this feeling, but like a shadow it is here again. I need to stop trying so hard, everything seems to work out, when I'm not trying.

I do not know where to go.
I am only surrounded by darkness.

seriously.


my shell has cracked.
nothing I say is meant to be taken seriously, ever.



so far these past few days have been absolutely fantastic compared to the last 7 months.

i miss making out

Fuck relationships.
Cant we just make-out?

When you repeat a signal word
over and over again,
it starts to lose all its meaning.
It stops making sense.
It sounds made up.
Unreal,
almost.

the worst part

I don't know how to say no to people.
I seem to get anxiety around any large group of people.
and to top it off
if I ever have a sudden change in my emotions
(nervous, scared, embarrassed, angry, etc..)
a rash grows from my chest to my neck,
and it sits there for who knows how long growing redder and redder.

Oh goodness but the worst is when
I play my guitar in front of people I actually care about.
My throat scratches up, my heart pounds,
my hands shake three time more then they usually do.
I cant seem to play. I somehow cant manage to get out of that place.
I am bright red by that point, including my face,
I'll still try, but you can hear my hands shake with ever strum of each chord.

It is absolutely dreadful.
Yet wade and alcohol seem to do the trick.
or at least it makes me careless to it all.

I am a hopeless romantic.








and let me tell you, it has done me absolutely no good.

I can fall in love with just an idea.
Like a seed, it sprouts in my head.
All my life, ever since I can remember.
This is my downfall.
This is my defeat.

I am too passionate for my own good.
I crave touch, I crave human contact.
I crave human feelings.
I crave intimacy, romance.
I desire passion, meaning.
But I am so selfish and I want it all at once.

sigh.
This will make sense some other day.