I'm questioning everything again.

I wrote this on my other blog.

The closest thing I can compare it to is the feeling of death.

The aftermath of numbness.

Where you mentally hit the floor with a burt of pain,

a pain from absolutely no where.

Not just sadness but hurt and loneliness.

And as soon as this all hits you,

the second you seem to get a breath,

a tingle grows from your toes to you fingertips,

to the top of your neck, reminding you, you are alive.

you are here alive wasting you time.





NOWWHAT
?

dear instincts:

I hate you sometimes.
You make my mind wonder in the correct directions.
Especially in these last few situations.
They have all been on the fucking dot.

Instincts you were completely right.
These last few times.






I'm somehow lonely
and definitely lost.

So I hope when I feel like you're lying,
you're simply not.

cause I know
you
are.

I hate this, heavy, harsh,
feeling of reality.

me and reality
have never gotten along.

yes I do love the blond.


oh but how I miss the red.

why are you stuck in my head?
no one has made me smile from pure thoughts,
in years.





you're different.

but maybe you're just not.

My whole life came to a halting stop yesterday.
The lease of the loft that I am in love with is up, 30days.
Though I am already moved out but all my possessions are there,
it still makes me sad.

Then I got fired from my job.
Which indeed was a unwelcoming almost surprise.


anyways
yesterday was a weird day.
Now to continue onto why I am awake and typing in my blog.

The reacquiring house.
That haunts my dreams.
(in a good way)

I was there, yet I didn't seem to realize it.
and I went to the one room that I have always wondered too by myself.
Yet never had a chance to enter.

It sits at the tipy top of this house.
Yet no one would ever go with me.
And when they did,
by the time we got to the top,
everyone would have disappeared,
it was a we,
then it's always just me.
Always in the staircase.



There are three rooms total.
Which can only be found through one secret staircase.
After you climb up the old staircase and open the tiny door
it is one big empty room, with one big wooden door
then a little room, with a big tall door.
Then the attic.

Which has 2 small doors and a ladder in the corner.
The ladder is going down into a hole.
Maybe there was a window.

But this is the thing, once I get to the third room.
It is usually dark and almost scary.
Ive never gone in it.
It's the place my eyes have never gotten explore.


But tonight 3 people went with me.
We were already close to the top.
We were basically to the first door.

We got to the 3rd room and the light was on.
I could see the whole layout of the room.
Everything in it.
(which there was a creepy doll in a rocking chair, wtf)
Yet no one would let me enter.
They were scared, saying someone was the there.
I laughed say it hasnt changed at all since the last time I was here.

Then I realized we were in that room.
I took a step.
Then I woke up.

Everything fell apart in my real life,
& something pieces together in my
recurring house dream


odd.

family

this is my grandfather pa.



And my Grandmother Nana



these pictures made my heart smile.

i straight freaked out.
over nothing.


wow.

emotions.

I just dont know anymore.



How can I feel so much excitement, so much joy. Wondering if this is happiness or could somehow lead to happiness,

& with one L O N G heavy heartbeat, out of no where, for no reason I fill up with pure sadness.


like a rush Im here.





this is unfair.
I hate to say it, but I wanna be numb again.


why cant I just make up my mind.

FAMILY

Would you have guessed we were at a funeral?
I bet not.


We all fake smile so so very well.
I learned from the best.

Trust no one.
E
V
E
R

Freud.. again

"Flowers are restful to look at. They have neither emotions nor conflicts."





I wish to be a flower.
oh please oh please oh please

please lock me in and emepty room full of paint,brushes,&,paper. leave me for a week please.

hmmm.

my minds running.
it needs to be empty.
Im not sure how/what I (or should)be feeling.




I always forget what comes with a group of friends.
this is intense.


Plus I'm a little rusty.
I didn't ask for any of this.
I didn't want any of this.

I hid in my home for over 4 years avoiding this, avoiding PEOPLE. Avoiding trust.

then everyGODDAMNFUCKINGtime, I am reminded. again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.again.

I leave my nice little house and my nice little world and end up in a spiral of crazy situations.
Every time I leave my head I end up being reminded why I am in my head.

Dammit I hate society, I have grown such a dark dreadful hatred toward them. I pity people, I hate 98% of fucking people. People are predictable, people are a wreck.

Now don't get me wrong, It is VERY entertaining, and the other 2% amaze me. They take my breath away, there really are those few amazing, brilliant people. Whom I am so thankful for.

I just need to trust my goddamn instincts.
Not these fucking girl ones. My real ones.

Ive repeated all of this haven't I?
even on my own fucking blog

I have written ALL of this before.

ahhh