Dear everyone.

Capricorns are fucking nuts.
Take my word for it.

circles.
I just went in a huge fucking circle.
While doing a ton of little circles.

I can not deny this.
I guess I know who I am.
fck I know who I am.

She isn't meant to be happy.
Because every time she is,
it just never is.



My mind is to complex for love and happiness.

song

This is the curse.
This is the curse I knew was coming.
I watched it rush through me,
till it had me on my toes,
gasping for air.
This is the curse that is drowning me,
holding me under.
Haunting me.

oh goodness i hate you
hate you so much
I hate the way you stand there
the way you move
the way you stare
I hate what you do when I catch your eyes touching mine

l I just hate what you have done
where I am trapped
it is all your fault

I keep having these dreams
where I tell you everything
but thisn't isnt enough
so I am going nouth.
ignoring your route
the best I can do
well all I can do
is avoid you

John: "Why do I feel like this?"
Doe: "Why do we feel anything?"
John: "Because we are living."
Doe: "So you feel like you are alive?"
John: "I guess.."
Doe: "At least that's something."
John: "I think I would rather be numb."
Doe: "That still thaws out to something."
John: "I hate you and your endless somethings."
Doe: "I know. :)"

I dont know if this was aimed at me.
But it gave me chills.

"you dream of sharing your heart, instead you share your bed. Your heart beats empty and cold from all the tears that you have shed."

when I am here at this point.
I must admit, at least I see things clearer.
So much clearer.

it is mad.

Oh Charles Bukowski

"Too often the people complain that they have done nothing with their
lives and then they wait for somebody to tell them that this isn't so."



"great writers are indecent people
they live unfairly
saving the best part for paper.

"good human beings save the world
so that bastards like me can keep creating art,
become immortal.
if you read this after I am dead
it means I made it."

"whiskey makes the heart beat faster
but it sure doesn't help the
mind and isn't it funny how you can ache just
from the deadly drone of
existence?"



"the free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them."



"Human relationships didn't work anyhow. Only the first two weeks had any zing, then the participants lost their interest. Masks dropped away and real people began to appear: cranks, imbeciles, the demented, the vengeful, sadists, killers. Modern society had created its own kind and they feasted on each other. It was a duel to the death--in a cesspool."



"Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well."

"A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover."

Have you ever wanted something so bad,
that you hit this point.
Where you know,
this desire,
this yearning,
longing,
craving.
It will never be filled.

never ever ever.
You know this.
You have known this.
You understand this.

This is where I am.
Trying to consume my mind of other things.

Nothing is working.
This thing,
this desire,
this yearning,
longing,
craving.


It is haunting me.

conclusion of the night:

inevitably no one wants to be alone.
if they can choose not to, then they will.


I am so lost now,
I don't even want to be found at this point,
it'll just end up being a big disappointment.



surprise surprise

i hate you. yes you.

I'm just sitting here.
here. here. here.
& I have reached this wall,
this conclusion:
that I should not exist.
exist. exist. exist.

That I am nothing.
nothing. nothing. nothing.

a
b
s
o
l
u
t
e
l
y

n
o
t
h
i
n
g.

& so are you.

I hate when people tell me I am heartless.

So what if I am.

My world is spinning.
I am growing so dizzzzzzzy.

the question presented tonight:

How much longer can I hold on to the ground?

work, life, work, life.

I don't know how to take anything seriously anymore.
Is life supposed to be serious?
I mean we talk and talk and talk for what?
not to be serious.


I cant take anyone seriously.
No one is worth there words.
not a single person in my life.




I find myself fucking with people again.

Love and I are about to head out to the battle field.

I adore Edgar Allan Poe

"Words have no power
to impress the mind
without the exquisite horror of their reality."

T.S. Eliot

It is obvious that we can no more explain a passion to a person who has never experienced it than we can explain light to the blind.





It is only in the world of objects that we have time and space and selves.





My greatest trouble is getting the curtain up and down.



Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion,
but an escape from emotion;
it is not the expression of personality,
but an escape from personality.
But, of course,
only those who have personality and emotions
know what it means to want to escape from these things.






Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.








The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right deed for the wrong reason.






The progress of an artist is a continual self-sacrifice, a continual extinction of personality.








This love is silent.

Robert Frost

A poet never takes notes. You never take notes in a love affair.


Being the boss anywhere is lonely. Being a female boss in a world of mostly men is especially so.


Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.


Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

movies:

Hmm, so thinking about it, I used to love watching movies.

At one point, I adored it.

It definitely was one of my most favorite things to do.

But over the past couple years, I have lost the patience to watch most newer movies.

I rather dislike majority of those that I have seen.

They are all so terrible.

Effects don't amaze me,

"hot" actors don't hypnotize me,

and well humor doesn't hide the terrible story line for me.

I like well written, well plotted and well acted films.

A story that pulls you in, traps you there, makes you think about the details.

Almost puts you there.

I think those details are very important.

Very very important.

I fell like I am just growing more and more disappointed with every movie I see.

This industry disgusts me.

Maybe if they were coming out with better movies,

less amercain humor would be nice,

and real actors, then maybe I could enjoy them.

Or if I just had someone to make fun of all them again with.

I really do love being the one, out of the two,

busting up with laughter in a full movie theater.