look at the person staring at you in the mirror.
and whisper, "I don't know you".
repeat it 100 times.

I'm starting over again.

Nothing is real.
Nothing
.at
..all.
This isn't a darkness.
Just a coldness through my bones.

I'm not necessarily numb,
I just find everything hysterically funny.
Every situation that surrounds me.
Everysingleone.

Things always fall together and somehow make sense.
every goddamn fucking time.
It's cool, I just really need to trust these feelings.

So I put a halt on all of this,
not because of him.
No not at all. Only
because of you.

And you seem to hardly exist.

Most of the time I just wonder if I made you up.

note to self: lacking comfort is a good thing.

"he's an amateur but he's dangerous."

you are right.

Dear everyone.

Capricorns are fucking nuts.
Take my word for it.

circles.
I just went in a huge fucking circle.
While doing a ton of little circles.

I can not deny this.
I guess I know who I am.
fck I know who I am.

She isn't meant to be happy.
Because every time she is,
it just never is.



My mind is to complex for love and happiness.

song

This is the curse.
This is the curse I knew was coming.
I watched it rush through me,
till it had me on my toes,
gasping for air.
This is the curse that is drowning me,
holding me under.
Haunting me.

oh goodness i hate you
hate you so much
I hate the way you stand there
the way you move
the way you stare
I hate what you do when I catch your eyes touching mine

l I just hate what you have done
where I am trapped
it is all your fault

I keep having these dreams
where I tell you everything
but thisn't isnt enough
so I am going nouth.
ignoring your route
the best I can do
well all I can do
is avoid you

John: "Why do I feel like this?"
Doe: "Why do we feel anything?"
John: "Because we are living."
Doe: "So you feel like you are alive?"
John: "I guess.."
Doe: "At least that's something."
John: "I think I would rather be numb."
Doe: "That still thaws out to something."
John: "I hate you and your endless somethings."
Doe: "I know. :)"

I dont know if this was aimed at me.
But it gave me chills.

"you dream of sharing your heart, instead you share your bed. Your heart beats empty and cold from all the tears that you have shed."

when I am here at this point.
I must admit, at least I see things clearer.
So much clearer.

it is mad.

Oh Charles Bukowski

"Too often the people complain that they have done nothing with their
lives and then they wait for somebody to tell them that this isn't so."



"great writers are indecent people
they live unfairly
saving the best part for paper.

"good human beings save the world
so that bastards like me can keep creating art,
become immortal.
if you read this after I am dead
it means I made it."

"whiskey makes the heart beat faster
but it sure doesn't help the
mind and isn't it funny how you can ache just
from the deadly drone of
existence?"



"the free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them."



"Human relationships didn't work anyhow. Only the first two weeks had any zing, then the participants lost their interest. Masks dropped away and real people began to appear: cranks, imbeciles, the demented, the vengeful, sadists, killers. Modern society had created its own kind and they feasted on each other. It was a duel to the death--in a cesspool."



"Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well."

"A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover."

Have you ever wanted something so bad,
that you hit this point.
Where you know,
this desire,
this yearning,
longing,
craving.
It will never be filled.

never ever ever.
You know this.
You have known this.
You understand this.

This is where I am.
Trying to consume my mind of other things.

Nothing is working.
This thing,
this desire,
this yearning,
longing,
craving.


It is haunting me.

conclusion of the night:

inevitably no one wants to be alone.
if they can choose not to, then they will.


I am so lost now,
I don't even want to be found at this point,
it'll just end up being a big disappointment.



surprise surprise

i hate you. yes you.

I'm just sitting here.
here. here. here.
& I have reached this wall,
this conclusion:
that I should not exist.
exist. exist. exist.

That I am nothing.
nothing. nothing. nothing.

a
b
s
o
l
u
t
e
l
y

n
o
t
h
i
n
g.

& so are you.

I hate when people tell me I am heartless.

So what if I am.

My world is spinning.
I am growing so dizzzzzzzy.

the question presented tonight:

How much longer can I hold on to the ground?

work, life, work, life.

I don't know how to take anything seriously anymore.
Is life supposed to be serious?
I mean we talk and talk and talk for what?
not to be serious.


I cant take anyone seriously.
No one is worth there words.
not a single person in my life.




I find myself fucking with people again.

Love and I are about to head out to the battle field.

I adore Edgar Allan Poe

"Words have no power
to impress the mind
without the exquisite horror of their reality."

T.S. Eliot

It is obvious that we can no more explain a passion to a person who has never experienced it than we can explain light to the blind.





It is only in the world of objects that we have time and space and selves.





My greatest trouble is getting the curtain up and down.



Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion,
but an escape from emotion;
it is not the expression of personality,
but an escape from personality.
But, of course,
only those who have personality and emotions
know what it means to want to escape from these things.






Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.








The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right deed for the wrong reason.






The progress of an artist is a continual self-sacrifice, a continual extinction of personality.








This love is silent.

Robert Frost

A poet never takes notes. You never take notes in a love affair.


Being the boss anywhere is lonely. Being a female boss in a world of mostly men is especially so.


Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.


Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

movies:

Hmm, so thinking about it, I used to love watching movies.

At one point, I adored it.

It definitely was one of my most favorite things to do.

But over the past couple years, I have lost the patience to watch most newer movies.

I rather dislike majority of those that I have seen.

They are all so terrible.

Effects don't amaze me,

"hot" actors don't hypnotize me,

and well humor doesn't hide the terrible story line for me.

I like well written, well plotted and well acted films.

A story that pulls you in, traps you there, makes you think about the details.

Almost puts you there.

I think those details are very important.

Very very important.

I fell like I am just growing more and more disappointed with every movie I see.

This industry disgusts me.

Maybe if they were coming out with better movies,

less amercain humor would be nice,

and real actors, then maybe I could enjoy them.

Or if I just had someone to make fun of all them again with.

I really do love being the one, out of the two,

busting up with laughter in a full movie theater.

"I am not interested in money.

I just want to be wonderful."

Gloomy day.

"You made this happen. You did some dance and called the fog, called the wind. Didn't you?"
"Oh goodness, I wish I did."


I'm pretty sure my manager thinks I'm a witch.
Haha.

you said write a song about you

Ive been studding you as yourself.

you are quiet, keeping to yourself.

There is so much too you,

but you never let it out.

I bet he is rotting inside you,

I bet he is drowning to get out.

I have only seen him a few times.
I think it is time you let him out

because I thought I could be the key to this door
yet this door isn't willing to budge anymore.
Oh darling I may be a thief, but you just have to see
that these obstacles to steal your heart I just cant defeat
I don't want to start a fire but tonight might be the night.

I bet he has lost his mind

I bet he has lost his train of time

I bet he has lost his mind

as he lays there rotting in your mind

I am starring down 2 paths.
I don't know where they lead,
though I do have an idea of where they could end up.
But my intuitions are giving me a third party reason,
which is currently the only rock standing in middle of these roads.
There are only a few questions begging for air.
These are the most unexpected questions begging for air.

I need a sign.

I have never been shunned for being artistic,

oh but tonight I was shunned s h u n n e d

s h u n n e d.

I must be doing something right.

:)

I have never had a boyfriend that has made me feel so unattractive.
To the point where I myself, am trying to get his, and only his attention.
Yet I still don't have his attention at all.
But have other people's attention.

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.
When am I supposed to give up?
When is enough enough?

A Martyr for my Love for You

"The best thing to do, is to leave you alone."

-jack white

You know that place, between sleep and awake, were your'e still dreaming.

I'm trapped here.

The Great Park

I am up to no good,
and there is no turning back now.
and you say that you'll fallow, but I don't know about that.

everyone is having fucking babies.

realization number 3:

I think editing might be more of a passion,

rather then a career choice.

sorry every(single)body.

square A, again.

insomnia.

insomnia.
insomnia.
insomnia.
insomnia.

that is what I dreamed about.

insomnia.insomnia.insomnia.

The last thing I remember is me telling myself,
to remember this dream,
because insomnia will be
murdering my dreams.

g(fucking)reat.

matt: "Why cant we just hang out, we don't have to talk much."


well I guess I'll stop trying to conversant with my boyfriend, and just "hang out".

dreamy son of a bitch

..

i hope you think you think about me.

I like creeping out people I dont know.

stranger: "You are rather odd."
myself: "Actually, I think I'm rather mad."
stranger: "Mad? Does one choose to be mad?"
myself:"No, I really don't think so, but I'm rather mad, and I don't really mind it. Do you?"
stranger:"Yea, a little."

please

Stop using the "need" card.
No one actually needs anyone.

Nothing can be done except little by little.

I can barely conceive of a type of beauty in which there is no Melancholy.


Nature is a temple in which living columns sometimes emit confused words. Man approaches it through forests of symbols, which observe him with familiar glances.


The poet enjoys the incomparable privilege of being able to be himself and others, as he wishes.



There are moments of existence when time and space are more profound, and the awareness of existence is immensely heightened.

-Charles Baudelaire

:)

I feel so meaningless lately.

I made a remark about how I miss dancing.

there response.
"That's because you're dating someone that's dead"







...

I don't know, did I dream of you?

To the friend who isn't really my friend

I think, we deserve to admire
something this beautiful
till sunrise.

But that is just my opinion.

I learned so much about myself today.

All it took was a good conversation with someone observing on the outside.
:) Thanks.

Robert Frost

"A poet never takes notes. You never takes notes in a love affair."

lonely

To the query, ''What is a friend?''
His reply was
''A single soul dwelling in two bodies.''

anonymous

"It's true
that we don't know
what we've got until
we lose it,

but

it's also true
that we don't know
what we've been missing
until it arrives."

“To make a bad day worse spend it wishing for the impossible”
- Calvin and Hobbes

The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.

ghoulfriends.blogspot.com

Oh yes, indeed I may fall in love easily.
It is just keeping me in love with you that seems to be a whole neither story.

Johann Kaspar Lavater

"Intuition is the clear conception of the whole at once."

tiptap

I now have no one.
So I am ready to leave everyone.
The darkness that creeped,
has succeed in its capturing.
Its fierce waves fight above me.
I lay here surrounded by nothing,
completely empty.
I mean nothing.
Everything means nothing.
My hatred for words
and humanity finally begins to sleep.
It means nothing.
Everything is nothing.
I am nothing.
Now how to make something of me.

lewis carroll

“Will you,
won't you,
will you,
won't you,
will you join the dance?”

this void grows.
day by day, everyday.

music

today the world built in my head, fell apart.
piece by piece.
I watched it suffocate in my arms.

Now I'm alone in reality.

With no where to hide
oh god I've lost my mind
everyday I lose my mind
this maze is never ending
the people stand so dull
these buildings will come crumbling
if all my dearest dreams come true
now don't you dare try to save me
then ill have nothing at all
anyways id rather dance with moonlight all alone
no you arnt worthy of joining, no one ever is at all

All I do is observe and watch.
All the energy I used to put in conversations is gone.
I'll just pick you apart.
People are so repetitive.
It fascinates me.

The claws of my thoughts are scrapping at the inside of my ribcage.
My jaw rattles with its music.

really?
really?

fuck, this mornings phone call
it has drained me.
stabbed me.
jkergafshja

I'm never good enough.

I've been full of sadness
for quite sometime now.
I'm raw and the only emotion
I can honestly express is
anger.
rage.
&
fury.




I'm so far alone.
I feel like no one can reach me.

oh noise floor

"It's a sweet smile
and then a denial.
Hey, you are just trying to be nice.
But there is a meaning
to every fleeting
action you unconsciously decide.

The clocks they chime.
Now it's time."

fuck this shit

What I want to do
&
what I think I should do,

are both on completely different ends.

help

me.

All it takes

is one little pull,
and everything
slowly falls
apart.

day:ONE

My ribcage is caving in on itself.
The air surrounding me
chills right through me,
every single inhale.
I am collapsing.
F

a

l

l

i

n

g

apart,
piece by piece,
layer by layer,
until I'm completely undone.
and then here I will be,
trapped in a
dim
dim
d a r k
empty place.
I will be in a state further away,
recognizing my mind with ballpoint ink.

Day one reminder:

Don't
forget to smile.

the girl in my dream

smiled widely,
& softly said,

"You're
only
twenty
sweetheart."

ps: insomnia

http://stixstixstix.blogspot.com/

no good

I have a feeling that something odd is ganna happen soon too.

I need to conquer some fears

I need a push to conquer my fears.

I just love

when my eyes swell up with tears.
and all I want is to be held,
and to feel safe
because of how unstable I've felt lately.
And for the 5th time in a row,
my boyfriend does not even notice.

"I've fallen in love"

"Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden.
My words echo
Thus, in your mind."


-TS Eliot

Oh, hello, hello,

My mind was in some slumber,
far far from here,
yet indeed it was rather nice to disappear.

Things are beginning to unravel,
disentangling though my skull.
Oh yes, I believe I have wandered here before.

How I can feel it crawling up my spine,
scratching harder the higher it goes.
Still I don't know how to beat this.
I don't know where to go.
I think maybe this time I'll just have to lose my mind,
in a possible order to get this right.

fCk cOps

"oh you're moving?!?"

"Moving my fucking mind."

dfajfdasadgdafgd

hello.
do I know you?
no, Im sorry I don't remember you?
who??
no, listen Im really sorry,
you must be confusing me with someone else
because that isnt me.

recently

I
feel
a
little
forgotten.
but it's ok,
I guess I can
get used to this.
ughhhhhhhhh
ughhhhh
ughhh
ugh
ugh

oh my dear

"where have you been?"


"I've been away.
I decided to leave my head,
go out for a bit.
I'll be back as soon as can.
I've been gone so long,
I imagined that
I had forgotten how to come back."

this game rules my world

Him.

Matt.
Matt Hand.
Matthew Hand.
He means so much to me.
You have no idea.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way about anyone else.
Because I can't explain it.
All I know is he is mine, and I will never let him go.
When he smiles at me, my heart still beats a little faster.
When he holds me, everything goes away, except him,
and being able to fall asleep next to that every night..

I'm so lucky.
He is so breathtaking.